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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Facing my Fears

One of my greatest fears is that I will not be successful with the band. That I will be one of the few that fail at it.

Even now when I have lost over 20 kilos (44 pounds) I still am afraid that I will fail.

Newly banded Michelle noted this same fear in her post the other day and it really got me thinking.

Why am I still afraid of failure?

I think the main problem is that it's sort of hard to be confident when you are so scared of everything in life. Scared of me, scared of who I am and what I may become when I do lose my wait, scared of failure, just plain scared of life.

I stayed in the same dead end job at Coles supermarkets for 13 years, it started out as a job after school and just KEPT GOING. From casual to part-time to full-time. In the end I didn't even have the guts to quit properly.

I used a weak excuse that my mother needed help in QLD, so I needed to transfer from Sydney to Brisbane, but when I got to Brisbane I just never put in the transfer papers. I used up about twelve weeks of holiday pay (yes I had that much up my sleeve and then some) before I got a job with QR. I then just faxed Coles a resignation letter to make it final.

The job at QR was the first and only job I applied for. At the time I was a smoker (been clean now for 18 months); the hour before my interview I think I smoked about ten smokes and then had to use deodorant and chewed three sticks of gum at once to get rid of the smell. I was so nervous I was nauseous with fear. I know I was extremely lucky to get the one and only job I applied for, but there are times when I think I would have developed better if I had been rejected and I would have been made to go through the process a few more times. Then I get the awful feeling that if I hadn't gotten this job I would have just crawled into a ball and sent in the transfer papers and still be working at Coles.

The fear keeps me away from social outings and meeting new people. Or when I do meet new people I get so shy that it I just sit in a corner and worry about the impression I am making. It takes a while for me to warm up enough that I can talk to people (and yes alcohol can speed things up, but I rarely indulge in the stuff) This usually means that I don't go out much and just keep to myself.

This blog is the most open I have ever been in my life and I think alot of that has to do with the fact that I don't get to see you all face to face. If this was a face to face get together I would still be trying to introduce myself.

And to make matters that much worse I only have 5 weeks to prepare myself to play the cello in front of some people. I agreed to do music exams and in 5 weeks I will be sitting for the Grade Two Cello exam. This will mean playing in front a complete stranger and not stuffing up as well as answering some questions on music - not on paper, but they ask a question and I have to tell them what I think the answer is. Yeah!!!! NOT!!

If I am just playing for my teacher it is all good, but even at home I tend to practice when my Mum is not home or if she is I close the door so she isn't right there. And I am always embarrassed when she tells me how good I am sounding. How sad is that? The only people other than my teacher that I have played in front of was a friend who was playing the violin - two beginners playing some simple tunes together. It was great fun, but she has had to stop for the moment due to some neck shoulder pain. It's been six months and she is still not able to play.

But the good thing is that this exam will make me face my fears and get me playing in front of people. Because I do want to eventually be able to play with other people. I think it would be wonderful to play in a community orchestra and a string trio or quartet. Not just play for myself - which I do love to do.

What else can I so. I know I have probably rambled on here but I already feel better about all this stuff from just writing it down. Thank you for reading and all your support. It really does help.

Until next time,

6 comments:

  1. We are all scared the band will fail for us.

    We're scared because we have failed with every diet we ever tried - that's why we've got bands.

    But we CAN do this. The band isn't a DIET - it's a powerful tool.

    We will DO this!!

    As far your other fears. You are doing so well! You are incredibly brave to face them head on and as hard as it is - each time will get a little easier.

    Several years ago I suffered from Depression and along with it anxiety and borderline OCD. I know that with the OCD each and every time I faced my fear of germs it got a little easier the next time.

    Hang in there!!

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  2. I think once you realise you will and have already gained confidence with the band it will expand other things in your life.

    Im scared it will fail.... always worrying specially when i ate a big meal last night and probably will have a big meal tonight... im scared of love and many things but on the other part im incredibly out there and vivacious, i have a lot of things i need to get over and battle going through all this and sometimes i think maybe i shouldnt vent to many of my feelings on here so i just wrote a huge diary entry on my online journal about worrying that i did this too late... maybe i should have done it younger and gained more of what i seek in life instead of waiting until now....

    Who knows... give us a year and we will look back and think we were hilarious in what we were saying because we probably would have reached out goals by then.

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  3. This was a beautiful and brave post! I think you've made a huge step in recognising your anxiety. I think, for me, my fat has been my insulation...even though I don't have social anxiety, I have used it as a buffer and as my protection. I'm sure that as the weight continues to come off, you'll feel more confident in the band and yourself. As far as the people thing...you are forging relationships right here, even if they aren't face to face, I think that's a great place to start! Hang in there!

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  4. You are doing so well! Keep up the great work!

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  5. You are not failing...you are succeeding!! Just keep doing what you're doing :)

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  6. Wow I think you stole my personality, my thoughts, my fears lol I am the exact same way. I used to be in band in high school I played the saxaphone. I quit after my shopmore year because I was scared of being out on stage or on the field (marching band) in front of everyone. I wasn't alone I was there with all the other students but I still felt alone. This fear also keeps me away from social outings and meeting new people too, I can do it online but not in person.

    I think it's normal for us to feel this way were humans. Our insecurity with our bands is normal we have failed many other diets so we fear that this will be the same but the band isn't a diet it's a tool that is here to help us (kind of like having our own personal doctor or something). But you know were all here for each other, were going through the same thing. Were one of the people you shouldn't be afraid of. So far you seem to be doing a wonderful job! 44 lbs so far thats alot. Thats great! Keep it up!

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