One of my greatest fears is that I will not be successful with the band. That I will be one of the few that fail at it.
Even now when I have lost over 20 kilos (44 pounds) I still am afraid that I will fail.
Newly banded Michelle noted this same fear in her post the other day and it really got me thinking.
Why am I still afraid of failure?
I think the main problem is that it's sort of hard to be confident when you are so scared of everything in life. Scared of me, scared of who I am and what I may become when I do lose my wait, scared of failure, just plain scared of life.
I stayed in the same dead end job at Coles supermarkets for 13 years, it started out as a job after school and just KEPT GOING. From casual to part-time to full-time. In the end I didn't even have the guts to quit properly.
I used a weak excuse that my mother needed help in QLD, so I needed to transfer from Sydney to Brisbane, but when I got to Brisbane I just never put in the transfer papers. I used up about twelve weeks of holiday pay (yes I had that much up my sleeve and then some) before I got a job with QR. I then just faxed Coles a resignation letter to make it final.
The job at QR was the first and only job I applied for. At the time I was a smoker (been clean now for 18 months); the hour before my interview I think I smoked about ten smokes and then had to use deodorant and chewed three sticks of gum at once to get rid of the smell. I was so nervous I was nauseous with fear. I know I was extremely lucky to get the one and only job I applied for, but there are times when I think I would have developed better if I had been rejected and I would have been made to go through the process a few more times. Then I get the awful feeling that if I hadn't gotten this job I would have just crawled into a ball and sent in the transfer papers and still be working at Coles.
The fear keeps me away from social outings and meeting new people. Or when I do meet new people I get so shy that it I just sit in a corner and worry about the impression I am making. It takes a while for me to warm up enough that I can talk to people (and yes alcohol can speed things up, but I rarely indulge in the stuff) This usually means that I don't go out much and just keep to myself.
This blog is the most open I have ever been in my life and I think alot of that has to do with the fact that I don't get to see you all face to face. If this was a face to face get together I would still be trying to introduce myself.
And to make matters that much worse I only have 5 weeks to prepare myself to play the cello in front of some people. I agreed to do music exams and in 5 weeks I will be sitting for the Grade Two Cello exam. This will mean playing in front a complete stranger and not stuffing up as well as answering some questions on music - not on paper, but they ask a question and I have to tell them what I think the answer is. Yeah!!!! NOT!!
If I am just playing for my teacher it is all good, but even at home I tend to practice when my Mum is not home or if she is I close the door so she isn't right there. And I am always embarrassed when she tells me how good I am sounding. How sad is that? The only people other than my teacher that I have played in front of was a friend who was playing the violin - two beginners playing some simple tunes together. It was great fun, but she has had to stop for the moment due to some neck shoulder pain. It's been six months and she is still not able to play.
But the good thing is that this exam will make me face my fears and get me playing in front of people. Because I do want to eventually be able to play with other people. I think it would be wonderful to play in a community orchestra and a string trio or quartet. Not just play for myself - which I do love to do.
What else can I so. I know I have probably rambled on here but I already feel better about all this stuff from just writing it down. Thank you for reading and all your support. It really does help.
Until next time,