What would you do if there was going to be a girl's weekend away. About four or five girls from work, planning a great week-end a way up the coast, do some whale watching, and day tours (we work in the travel industry and sometimes get some really good deals).
You go out of your way to make sure you have that week end off, and this is an effort in its self because we all have to work every third week end and to arrange for everyone to have the same week-end off in advance is a bit of a nightmare.
This was all planned for October.
I was over at two of these friends place today (they share a flat in the city) and I was asked to flat sit for them next week-end (looking after her two cats) it was revealed that the weekend has been moved up to next week-end, because it is better for whale watching.
They hadn't told me, they hadn't remembered they had invited me. And I was there second choose for house sitting.
Now a confident person would have reminded them of these small facts.
A person with some small amount of self respect would have maybe even been a bit peeved off, maybe even been a little upset about it all and let them know this.
Me... I say sure, if you need a house sitter that will be fine. I'm working next week so that will be even better as it is just a five minute walk to work instead of an hour's train ride.
All the time I trying my hardest not to burst into tears (I did succeed in not crying).
Now I don't know if I did the right thing. I know I am going to stew over it for the rest of the week, because this is what I do.
For all I know we could still be on for the October weekend, the plans may have just been changed.
Also; the thing to consider is that these two women have been sharing a place for about 3 - 4 years and have become best friends and one of them is about to move out. She has gone back to uni and is now only working part time, so she really can't afford the high inner city rent any more. So I know next week-end is a kind of end of sharing a flat thing of a week-end.
But that being said. Someone else asked them this question, "I thought that week-end was in October?" and they said, "No, it has been moved forward because the whale watching is best in August."
It really is amazing. I felt like shit. With one sentence, all the hard work that I have put in to loss weight went out the fourth floor apartment window.
My mum was there are she started to say "I thought you were supposed to be going?" but I stopped her half way through it. I didn't want the girls to realise half way through there description of there planned week-end.
Now I am more angry at myself than anything else. For not having the guts to speak up for myself, and for eating KFC popcorn chicken (snack size with about a dozen chips) for dinner.
I just feel like the pathetic fat chic like before I had started this journey and I did not like it. And it does all come down to confidence. I have none. I have been doing a little research since I got home and am going to look into it even more. And follow up on the research.
I need to improve my self esteem or else I am going to run into trouble with my weight later down the track. I know tonight's dinner shouldn't have too much of an impact on me, but if I have no confidence or self esteem, it is going to continually happen and that is what I can't afford.
I think I have said all I can at the moment. Sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble. I am sure most of you realise how therapeutic blogging can be at times :)