I have to wonder what the hell I am doing...
There is a something not right with me that I am not able to follow through. I had a quick glance through blog titles and it brings back memories of all my plans that I was wanting to follow through with, and then they just fizzled.
The challenges that I signed up for and started out really well and then stopped doing so well.
The plans to get back on track with a jump start diet or pouch test and then no follow through.
The exercise schedules to help me get to goal, and then I stop going.
I never follow through.
I'm up to week eight on this 12WBT but I am just skating through at the moment. I have not been exercising and not following the diet, and I have only just been losing little amounts. I have such high hope at the beginning of each week and then nothing.
I can blame the lack of exercise of the bout of flu and lingering cough as much as I want, but I am still not exercising, and I have started to wonder if it is just an excuse that I am using. I need to just go do the exercise and see what happens.
Which is all fine for me to say that now as the gym is closed and the night is getting late. The real test will be tomorrow. I need to be up at 4am and out the door for work by 5am. I finish at 2pm and then have an hour's trip home. It will be 3:30pm before I am even able to get ready to go to the gym, that is when the real test will come.
It is one last challenge I am setting myself. I have to follow through with this challenge to myself, or why am I even trying.
I went through a lot to get banded. I had to face a lot of my own fears to even admit that I needed help to lose weight. I needed to face my family and friends with my inability to handle it. I had to go under the knife to get this band. I was so scared at the time, but I got through that and I recovered just fine.
Now I need to work the band and stop making excuses.
And even as I type this I feel like such a hypocrite. I had a whole bag of peanut butter m&m's tonight. Maybe that is the guilt behind this post. I eat chocolate and then feel so guilty about it, it drives me to plead my case one more time.
I want to thank everyone for your comments, and I am very sorry that I have not been commenting or reading as much as I should have. I fell into the self pity party where I wasn't reading and posting like I should have been. You lovely ladies offer all this support and I crave it, but it is hard to reciprocate when you feel like a failure. Lately I have been faking it, hoping that will get me through. It hasn't been working. So my new strategy is to MEAN it.
Something that was done at the beginning of the year was to think of a word for 2011, something that we can hang on to through out the year. I have not done that.
I believe that I can do this.
I believe that I deserve this.
I believe I can make my dreams come true.
I believe I would not have gotten this far with out this blog and your support. I look forward to continuing the journey with a more positive outlook :o)