Places to go; Things to see

Monday, December 10, 2012

On The Mend

Week 142 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 108.2 kg / 238.5 lb
Current weight: 108.8 kg / 239.9 lb
Change: gain of 0.6 kg / 1.4 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 43.1 kg / 95 lb

There was a little but of a bounce back on the scale this week, and I can't say that I am surprised! I have now had two weeks with very little exercise, although I did have my two hour walk yesterday!

The chest is getting better, at the moment the stitches don't need to be covered and I just need to wait until Thursday before I go back to have them taken out. I have more discomfort than actual pain at the moment, and the fact the my boob feels like it is dragging on the stitches doesn't help :p supportive bras are very in with me at the moment, and I think they will be for a while yet... I just wish I had one that was shower proof, as that is just awkward to try and support myself while washing the hair. I am hoping that as the wound heals more, it won't be so bad!

Moving on, I feel a little bad about the fact that it has been two weeks since I have been to the gym, and yesterday, while I was on my walk, I realised that other han a few days when I was actually recovering, I should have been going! I can still walk! I just can't jog!

You see, because I had started the c25k program, I have found walking on the treadmill a little boring, only because I am in love with the idea of running, have no idea what the out come of this will be, but at the moment I want to at least say that I can run 5km without stopping. Once I can do that, then I will decide if I like it and want to continue with it.

When I couldn't jog because of the pain that would cause, I automatically transfered that pain to any movement at the gym! So I didn't go. And so the scale has since rewarded me with a numbe that is not the best. Titally understandable, and I am totally miffed withmyself for letting my head win the game on this one.

Having said that, I didn't get to the gym this morning either, so knowledge doesn't always lead to action, but I am still working on it.

Saturday, a lady I have met through the monthly lapband support group meetups had a Christmas party at her place and I had a great time, she is a brainy scientist and half the people there where scientics from her work and the other half where old school buddies she has recently been able to find again and me :o) and I really didn't feel awkward at all. I enjoyed meeting all these new people and we seemed to get along great. That not feeling out of place is a vast improvement.

She is one of the few successful lapbanders that come to the monthly meetups, and I really do find herti be very motivational and supportive. Everyone else is either having problems with the band or have moved on to other WLS and are having great success that way.

And while at her place, I noticed something hat seems to be very familiar with sucessful bandsters, vitamins! She has them on her kitchen bench where they can't be missed and she is religious with taking them. That is something that I have never been able to get into a regular habit with, and something I will be working on!

I really think that I have just forgotten all the basics over the last few years, and even when I see them written down, or someone tells me what they are, I am not seeing or hearing them. Laziness is a part if it, I get bored with doing things over and over again, and not seeing hugh results straight away. To help, I am starting to work on my goals next year and am leaning towards visual aids, charts and reward stickers. Yes I know it sounds like I am five again, but if it works, I am all for it.

I am thinking that 2013 will be the year of the good habits, because that is what my life and my journey is really missing, good habits that benifit me and my weight loss.

And I think I will end this rambling post on that note! Have a great Monday and enjoy the rest of the week :o)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Never Ending Saga

Can I just say that there are a lot of times that I hate my life!

There can be lots of different reasons for this hate, most of the time it is because I haven't done something I should have to make my life better, or I want more than I can afford. Most of the time it is all about me and what I am not doing to fix or be content with my life.

At the moment, it is my health that is not co-operating with me, last week the cyst I had on my chest had to be cut opened and drained as it wasn't going down and a small hole developed and it was disgusting and I was in a lot of pain afterwards. Enough said on that bit of TMI sector for now.

That was on Tuesday, and while it was sore afterwards, it was okay when the doctor was actually working on me, because he numbed the area! Wednesday was another story when I had to go back to have it checked and the dressing changed, because they don't numb you for that!

That really hurt, during and after......for a long time after. In fact I screamed when they removed the original bandage and was in so much shock, that they gave me the day off work and a prescription for some very strong pain killers!

I was pretty much back to normal by Saturday when I went to a work Christmas party (barefoot bowling - it was fun) and had a bit of a late night, but didn't over indulge, and then on Sunday afternoon, went to a friends for nibbles and a few drinks to celebrate her 40th birthday.

Woke up Monday morning and bam, cramping stomach like you would not believe! Looks like a got a bit of food poisoning at the nibbles, I will never look at another frankfurt in my life! But then no one else got sick, so I have a feelling it has more to do with the fact that I have been so run down and been on so many antibiotics lately! All I can say is that I am very grateful that the pain has stayed as cramps and there is no throwing up involved!

And because of the way I as feeling, I didn't weigh in Monday morning, I didn't know if that was good or bad, after a great loss last week, I was half expecting a gain, and I have purposely stayed away from the scale, in the hopes of eliminating the negiative thoughts I have about it!

Yesterday I had to go to a surgeon to have the whole in my chest made bigger and have all of the cyst removed, I now have five stitches and am in pain again. I still have pain medication let over from last week, so it is sort of okay, but I can still feel the stitches pulling and I am still in a little pain, I don't like it at all :/

The moral behind this saga is that I have not been to the gym now in over a week, and while at the moment I know I need to heal myself, there have been days when I should have gone, could have been active, and chose not to, used the fact that I was ot feeling 110% as an excuse to not work out. And that just shows me that I have not yet changed my ways.

Always having to work on your habits is exhausting at the best of times, down right impossible when you are not in peak condition!

In spite of all this, I did weigh in this morning, one day late for the week:

Week 141 (plus two days) post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 108.6 kg / 239.4 lb
Current weight: 108.2 kg / 238.5 lb
Change: loss of 0.4 kg / 0.9 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 43.7 kg / 96.4 lb

Now I am not sure what will happen with this loss this week, as I have not been eating a lot the last few days, just been trying to get lots of fluids in, so when I start to eat again, it will be interesting to see if there is a bounce back up on the scale!

I will definiately be watching what I eat this week, and as soon as I can, I will be getting back to the gym.

And I do hope that I do not need anymore time off work! There has been way too much time off in the last two weeks and I always feel so guilty about taking it off.

I better get going, this has taken me a lot longer to type this us than usual and I think the pain medication has something to do with that, on that note I should add, sorry if anything in the post doesn't make any sence, I think I am a little bit under the influence of the drugs I'm on :o) should make for a fun day at work!

Have a great Wednesday :o)

Monday, November 26, 2012

After the weekend

Week 140 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 110.1 kg / 242.7 lb
Current weight: 108.6 kg / 239.4 lb
Change: loss of 1.5 kg / 3.3 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 43.3 kg / 95.5 lb

Sorry about the last post, I really should not post when I am that tired.

But hey, check out that loss this week. 1.5kg, I am kinda of amazed, but it does support my remark from over a week ago, that starting back at the gym usually takes a while for me to see a change on the scale! So glad I have stuck to it and not blown it!

This week end was actually a bit of challenge on that front too. Saturday was my work team's Christmas party, we had to come into work for the day for a full day of sales training, but afterwards we moved on to dinner with a BBQ buffet (where I ate a tiny piece of chicken and of fish with a small bit of salad on the side) and then we went off to a club to dance the night away!

All up, I did drink a lot of calories, I couldn't tell you how much, but it was definately less than half than anyone else in the team, they drank a very big amount! And that just gives my something else to be thankful for with my band! I get tipsy a heck of a lot quicker now that I have the band, and I don't give in to the munches early in the morning when I have been drinking as much anymore either!

But it was a great night of fun and I am counting the dancing as my exercise, cause there was a whole lot of it and it was very active :p So different from pre band times when Imwould just shruffle about on the dance floor and then sit down ten minutes later! I was jumping and dancing about, having a great time!

As you can amagine, it was a bit of late night, and we were all staying in the city at a hotel in the city, so we were up at 9:30 in the morning having breakfast, but I actually only stuck to coffee before heading homing and doing some veging out on the couch. By the afternoon even that was too strenuous and had a nap for about four hours. Only got up to cook dinner and preparebmy lunches for the week before heading back to bed.

I didn't get to the gym this morning, but that was only a small set back after the weekend, I just have to not blow this weeks victory on the scale! So now I am going to bed so that I can get up early and head to the gym in the morning.

Have a great Monday and enjoy the rest of the week :o)

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Catching Up

I always feel as though I am playing catch up. In everything.

Work, life, blogs, weighloss, exercise and especially sleep!

Work: learning new things is never fun, all of a sudden I have gone from knowing everything in my job and teaching others so that they can help me, to learning new things and having no idea. Reminds me of going from primary to high school, one day you are at the top of the pack, the next day at the bottom :p I know it is only a temperary feeling and that I will learn how to book a group holiday package and not just the rail for them sooner rather than later, but all the systems and processes are very frustrating at the moment!

Life: I feel like it is getting away from me, or maybe this is just the lack of sleep talking as I am really tired and never seem to get enough.

Blogs: like some many out there, I follow a lot of blogs and there are times, when I just can't keep up. Not giving excuses, just me wanting to acknowledge that I am sorry for not commenting as much as I would like!

Weightloss: yeah well, I am working on this and is usually the subject of my posts, so I won't say more on it at this time :p

Exercise: getting better, but I am not where I want to be, so of course I want to complain. But I am remembering this picture from facebook. I will get there, I just need to keep working at it day by day. Enjoy the journey and stop wishing I was already there!

I can relay this back to all of these issues in tonights post! I want everything now, I need to learn how to slow down and enjoy the journey more!

And having just typed that I realise it is Thanksgiving in American, so for all of you, I do hope you have a great day with family and friends and find lots to be thankful for. We don't have Thanksgiving in Australia, but to take a leaf from your book, I am thankful for my band and the kilos I have lost to date on my journey, without which I would still huff and puff as I climbed a few stairs, I would still consumed whole tubs of ice cream and pizzas and then go looking for more, I would not be able to wear the heeled shoes I love to wear everyday to work, I would not be writting this blog and helping me get to where I need to go. So I am thankful for a lot. I just have to remember them every once in a while.

And just think, the weekend is nearly here, what more is there to be thankful for :o)

Night!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Ever changing minds

I think I have to face facts that my goal to get to 99kg by the end of the year is going to be an unachievable goal... Here is my weekly weigh in results:

Week 139 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 110.2 kg / 242.9 lb
Current weight: 110.1 kg / 242.7 lb
Change: loss of 0.1 kg / 0.2 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 41.8 kg / 92.2 lb

Now I know that the exercise helped with this weigh in and it would have been a lot better if it had not been for the Twihard weekend I just had (more in a sec), but I basically I have not yet started on getting to 99kg by the end of the year and it is getting so much closer to havinig to loose 2kg a week to get there, and if 1.5 was a stretch, 2 is not doable! At least not for me where I am at the moment.

So instead of giving up, I am going to adjust! The exercise and blogging goals remain the same, but as for weight, I am thinking that I would like to get to 105kg (around 230lb). Not as stressfull, not as daunting, and well on the way of getting to that 99 mark.
So that is that update.

Now for Twihard weekend :o)

Basically, I love the Twi1ight books, have read them many times, even have them on my iPad so that I can read them any time I feel like it. The movies are another thing. I don't mind them, but I have never been a huge fan of the way books get butchered so that they can fit into a two hour movie.

That being said, I would never miss the last installment of the series and since it hit the silver screens on Thursday, some friends and I decided to see all the preivios movies before venturing off to see the fifth and final film! Saturday we meet up and over a cheese platter, some bubbly wine and frozen strawberry daiquiris we watched them all! We made fun of the acting, cheered over Jacab's abs and wondered what the fuss is about over Edward. And how Bella is a playing them both over each other. We had a great afternoon / evening. Then on Sunday we went off to the cinemas and sat for the last of the installments. I have to say it was the best Bella ever looked, and I really did enjoy it as part of the whole movie saga.

Then, an hour and a half into the two hour movie, black out!!!

We had some pretty strong storms this weekend and right then it affected us and our movie watching! Could not believe it, we just laughed! Thankfully it didn't last long, within 15 minutes the movie was up and running again, and we were even able to see the fight scene again when they restarted from the beginning of the scene.

So that was my fun week end. One of the things that was really good is that I didn't eat nearly as much 'party' food as I would have! Even the others noticed that, we just had the cheese platter, which had two cheeses, dip and crackers on it, two bags of chips and some of a very yummy chocolate slice envolving cookie dough, peanut butter cups and fudge brownie. But we didn't touch the pastry puffs, the pizza that was planned, or any of the other cheeses and dips and chips that were planned. And there were three of us there and I wasn't the heaviest person.

We are all foodaholics, not too long ago, we would have demolished the lot and then had ice cream at the movie theatre. But we didn't, I guess it is a bit of reverse peer pressure, I can no longer eat as much as I used to, they want to be healthier so when I wasn't constantly refilling the stomach with the food, it actually slowed them down too!

Really makes we marvel over the changes I have gone through. And even as I read over the food, it still was a lot of food and mostly heavy in the calorie count, but it wasn't even half the amount of food we were expecting to consume! And that is a scary thought.

I best be going, about to start work for another Monday. I hope you all have a great week :o)

Friday, November 16, 2012

Slipping

Don't worry, it's not the band, just me... This morning I didn't get to the gym, so no exercise today!
I feel disheartened by it but I am currently in a lot of pain from a sebaceous cyst on my chest. It has flared up and I have been in pain and on antibiotics for a week, nothing happening, so this morning I went back to the doctors and he has now given me stronger antibiotics (actually two types) so that the infection can be killed and the swelling can go down and the pain go away before they cut it out.

I hate pain. And this is painful!

Every other morning this week I have gotten up and gone to the gym, done a good thirty minutes on the treadmill, starting the C25K program and I have finished week one. On the alternate days I have been doing 15 minutes on the treadmill at a fast walk, and then 15 minutes on the stair climber, that gets the blood pumping :o)

I will be back at the gym tomorrow, that is for sure!!!

I have to, this weekend is going to be a Twilight wekend - a couple of friends and I are watching all the older movies before going tomsee the last install,ent on Sunday. There will be lots of chocolate, alcohol and anything not good for me, sort of completely blows my goal of getting under 100 kg, but this one of those times were i am just going to hope for the best!

Maybe the chocolate will taste bad....... I would probably just eat it anyway!

I will make sure i have a goog healthy breakfast and be extra good from here on in :o) Night all!!!

Exercise: 7 out of 40 sessions completed

Blogging: the is 4from 20 posts to date!

Weight: 110.2 (aiming for 99 kg)

Monday, November 12, 2012

Don't Give Up, Don't Give Up

Picture Source

I saw this picture on someone's Facebook timeline and I thought it quite fitting after my last post about not wanting to do the work I need to get to goal because basically I am too impatient!

Week 141 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 109.9kg / 242.3 lb
Current weight: 110.2 kg / 242.9 lb
Change: gain of 0.3 kg / 0.6 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 41.7 kg / 92 lb

I am not happy with myself, but I am not quitting!

To be honest, it is probably the fact that I have started exercising! I know that previously when I started to exercise, my weight would go a little crazy for a week on two. I atrying to hold om to this memory this week so that I don't go completely nuts :p

Habit building is frustrating slow, it doesn't help that I was thinking about starting this up a few ays before I actually started it. But it comes down to the same thing; I am not patient and want to be at the end result now. But as the pic say, I need to work everyday to get to my heart's desire. Here is how I am going so far:
Yep! Just two days down...... But two from two is better than none from two!

Can I just say, I am enjoying it! I can't remember why I stopped going to the gym! I think it was something to do with trying to do it after work and was just too tired. I don't know, but I do know that so far I am liking it, and I am enjoying that feeling and am doing my best to hold onto it!

So far, and yes I am calling two days "so far", I have kept it the gym and just thirty mintues. Sunday, it was raining, so I didn't get out for my regular hour and a half walk, so I went off to the gym and did week one, day one of the C25K program. I am keeping the jogging speed very slow, only 7km/h or 4.3 mi/h, but I figured it is better to go slow and get through it rather than faster and not be able to finish! When it get to the stage where I feel that I can go faster, I will, but I am okay with this speed for now.

Even if I do go through the whole eight week program at this low speed, I am good with that. If that happens, I can than start over at a higher speed. I just want to finish the program, not be able to run a marathon at the end of these eight weeks :p that will be much later.....

So there you go. I think I am in a bit better place than a few days ago. Especially for a Monday :o)
Exercise: 4 of 40 sessions

Blogs: 3 of 20 posts

Weight: 110.2 kg (aiming for 99 kg)

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Everyday

So I have thinking a lot of the goal I have set myself with committing to myself for the next eight weeks and as always, wondering if I am doing the right thing for myself.

I still think it is a good move for me. I am a little worried about not finishing it; especially as I am already a little behind on the exercise front!!

To date the stats are:
Exercise: 2 out of 40 workouts

Blog: 2nd post of 20

Weight: 109.9kg – aim is to be 99kg
So I am two workouts down, and the weight, well that is Monday’s weigh in, and so far the scale has stayed the same all week, it did go up a couple 100 grams, but then it went back down. Just trying to get my water in and not stress too much on it because that usually just leads to eating and a weight gain!!

Trying to work if your goals are achievable is not something I am very good at. And the more I think about it the more I have to wonder if I am just setting myself up for defeat.

But that is the thinking that has gotten me here – nearly three years out from banding and only half way to goal!!!

So yes I can hear that I am rambling on here, but I just feel as though if I don’t write it down I will never get there. And I want to get there so badly, I am scared I will mess it up.

I wish I knew what was holding me back, I think about it constantly and the only thing that keeps popping into my head is both friends and family telling me not to loose too much weight, not to take it too far. The more I think about I really do not have the supportive network around me in real life.

I know they are just worried. I have an eating disorder, I over ate before the band. I can not stay away from food and I still have trouble avoiding the bad, crappy food that I used to eat in such large quantities. I can see that they are worried that it could easily turn into anorexia or something. I don’t see it. I can barely see myself getting to 75kg and that just puts at the very top of the healthy BMI calculator!!!
So for me being 175cm tall (5’9”) my healthy range is between approximately 57-76kg or 125-160lb and that is just freaky.

One part of me thinks it will not be possible, while another part of me can’t wait to see what I look like…and there in lies my biggest problem!! Can’t Wait!! I am so impatient; I want to be there now! I want to loose the weight and get the healthy body I have always dreamed about, but I am tired of the fact that it takes so long.

I know I want the goods without putting in the effort and that is really what is holding me back.

See, typing away here I have finally admitted to myself what the main problem is. I don’t want to put in the effort and dedication to get to were I want to be….how sad is that.

I have to though, I know that. I have to make it a habit, second nature to help myself get to goal.

The biggest thing that will help me get there that I currently am lacking is the exercise, I know this and that is really what I have to work on. General rule of thumb is a habit takes about 21 day to create, I think me and exercise is going to be a harder one and will take a lot longer, but it is what I am aiming for. After all it is a golden lap band rule to get 30 minutes of exercise in a day – everyday. Not just once a week; not a few times a week and not when the mood strikes; but EVERYDAY.

So how to incorporate exercise in everyday – that is the question….

Sunday’s really are the only day that I have covered – with the scheduled walk with walking work buddy. And while I do have an offer to walk after work with another work buddy a few days a week, past experience doesn’t have this as the best plan of attack because it is so reliant on the weather!

After work is not the most ideal time because too many times I skip it due to being too tired. So that leaves mornings.

I do actually like that time at the gym and getting there will be less of a problem at the moment as I have soul use of a car. For a while there I was sharing the car with my mum who I live with, but it is summer time here and she rides her scooter to and from the station, also, she is being made redundant at the end of the year, so once that happens she will not need to get to the station – she is looking at it as an early retirement and at least to begin with, does not think she will need to find other work.

You see it is very easy to type this out now on a Saturday when I am at work until 7pm and have a walk scheduled for tomorrow morning. The test will be Monday morning – how committed am I to my goals……

Monday, November 5, 2012

Week 140 Post-Op & the Start

Week 140 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 110.3 kg / 243.2 lb
Current weight: 109.9kg / 242.3 lb
Change: loss of 0.4kg / 0.9lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 42 kg / 92.6 lb

You see why I dislike weighing in daily, as much as it helps at times to stay on track, it also makes me wonder what actually happens in the body, because yesterday I saw 111kg on them, not that I am complaining! I am under 110 and am going to stay committed so that I never see 110 again!

I was talking to a ladies at the monthly support lunch I go to yesterday and we had a great talk. She has been banded for nearly four years, she was 156kg / 344lb at her heaviest, she now weight in at a tiny 67-69kg / 147-153lb and has maintained for a few years now! She has already had a body lift to get rid of excess skin and is saving up now to have her thighs and arms done.

We had a good discussn on the band and getting to goal. She gave me her tips on what she did to get to goal and what she continues to do now at goal. It was great!

Now a lot of the things she did and still does are the basics - prepare meals, plan ahead and exercise. But on top of everything else that I have been coming to realise she just helped to reinforce my commitment. And to be honest, it was exactly what I needed I think!

So I went home (or at least the house where I am currently house-sitting for a friend) and cooked up a cottage pie mixture (no potato topping) I have divided it up into one cup servings and as I sit here on the train to work, I have a weeks supply of healthy lunches ready to heat and eat :o)

I also have my exercise planned out, when I get home tonight I will be putting my walking shoes on and getting myself to the gym and paying a visit to the treadmill!

Tuesday is Melbourne Cup Day, so fancy dress at work (still not sure what I will wear) so I will take a change of clothes to work with me and I am going to walk from work to a different station. I can easily get a minimum of 30 minutes if I walk to Milton station and better still that is in the wrong dirrection to were I live, so I will be able to get a guaranteed seat on the train as I normally get on the main city station and it can be a rush for a seat in peak times :o)

Now Wednesdayis my day off and I have to talk my mother to a doctor's appointment as she will not be ale to drive for it, has to have nil by mouth for twelve hours before hand and so will not be in the right mind to drive :p so that day I plan on getting to the gym in the morning before that happens!

Thursday I am going to try to get out early before work and talk a walk in the parks around where I am staying, it is a very pretty and quite area!

Friday will be a rest day, mainly because this is usually a night to go out after work for a drink or two. And then on the week-end, I am working, but will still have time for the gym on Saturday morning and my usual long walk on Sunday morning.

The week is planned and I have added it to my diary, calendar and now blog :o)

Here's to a great week of sticking to a plan and commiting to ourselves that we will achieve our goals!!
Exercise - 0/40

Blogging - 1/20

Weight - 99kg (currently 109.9kg)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Self Commitment

Chris over at Banded in the 'Burgh has been doing an End of Year goal check for the last eighty days or so of the year. And seeing her updates there at the end of all her posts and my recent realisation that I am not commiting to myself, has really inspired me.

Now I am terrible at challenges, I know this, so this isn't a challenge! This is me committing to myself...it's all in the terminology :o)

Monday marks eight weeks until New Year's Eve, so that is the goal. Just eight short weeks were I commit to myself, that I will exercise, that I will blog and that I will work towards loosing weight, not just waiting for it to happen.

Those are the three things I need to make the commitment to for myself, and they all intertwine so that I get get back on track and get myself to goal!

Exercise: 40 sessions - this is five a week and I am not talking marathon sessions here, I am just talking thirty minutes of activity, something that I should be doing everyday as part of the lapband guidelines, but I have not done this for some time now.

Blogging: 20 posts - this keeps me sane and keeps me on track, so you may be seeing a little more of me, hopefully I won't bore you too much :p

Weight: 99 kg / 218 lb - for those of us that deal in kilograms, this is the big one, double digits! I really want this one, and I need to make the commitment to myself in order to get there. I have to believe in myself. Because I do not have a time in my adult life that I have been in double digits. So I know that this one is a big ask, but I am going to push myself and commit. Broken down that is 1.5 kg / 3.4 lb a week. It is a stretch, but totally achievable. Especially if I exercise and don't binge on crap food every other day.
Look, I have even made myself a little badge, because if I commit, I could actually get a body like that... Okay, maybe not without some plastic surgery to remove all the excess skin, but you get the idea :o) plus I like the visual aid to help me do this.

This morning on the scale I weighed in at 111.0 kg / 244.7 lb, that means I have 12 kg / 27 lb to loose. And that is a little scary, but I do plan on tackling it just one pound at a time. And the exercise and blogging will help me stay focused.

So there you go. My latest and greatest idea in the quest to get myself to goal. Daunting, especially this time of year, but it will happen.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Relief

Firstly, I do hope that everyone affected by Hurricane Sandy are safe, dry and well.

So I visited my surgeon again this morning and he removed a tiny smidge of my last fill.

Relief :o)

I was able to drink over 2 litres of water while at work today with no problem, and my breakfast was the same and before and lunch was still a really small serve, so fingers crossed this could be a great level.

Having said that, I know I have to wait a few days to get the true feel of this fill level, but to be honest, today was the first time in two weeks were I could drink the minimum water levels, so I am very happy :o)
In fact I had not realised how restricted I was until I finished my first one litre bottle and was topping it up again. I have not done that simple act in a while. I even filled it a second time, but didn't even get half way through the third fill of the bottle.

After the first bottle, I did wonder about food, but my serve was the same as what I was eating yesterday and filled me up for the rest of the day. After work I stopped off for a wine with some friends from work and only started to feel hungry then, I am sorry to say that I ate a small packet of Twisties.

Nights have really been my downfall lately, and I can understand it, I just need to work the action plan to avoid it! Protein first has been drummed in for so long, and I do great at through the day, but come night fall, it is just sugar and carbs, carbs and sugar. The brain will say protein, but the hands are grabbing sugar. And I really try to avoid to even have the stuff in the house, but there are times when I am in the stores and the hands take over :p the brain has no say and before I know it, I have ice cream or chips at home!!!

That has to stop, but even as I type this, I am struggling.

Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels!!!

I know a lot of people at goal use this mantra to get them through times like this, and I do try to use it. But I have still never been skinny and so it really is an elusive dream for me at the moment! Or at least it feels elusive.

This week has made it feel a little less elusive, but it still seems out of reach. I just have to keep my goal in focus. And when I was searching for inspiration in Google, I came across this Nike ad
And that really just says it all.

That is the real reason I am not able to focus on my goal and stay away from the crappy sugar and carb heavy foods, I have not gotten off my ass, and I have not worked for it! And until that changes, I can not continue to complain.

That's it for tonight while I dwell on that last thought. Have a great week end everyone!

Monday, October 29, 2012

New Week, New Torture

Week 139 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 111.5kg / 245.8 lb
Current weight: 110.3 kg / 243.2 lb
Change: loss of 1.2 kg / 2.6 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 41.6 kg / 91.7 lb

Wow, look at that, a tight band does work great... But I am still getting some out on Friday. No matter what the scale says, I don't like not being able to easily drink water in the morning. As long as he doesn't take too much out it should be fine.

Although having just said that, it's my time of the month, and contrary to most people it seems, I get looser at this time of the month :(

Had a choc fest yesterday and was very tired, but of course it didn't click until my discovery this morning :o) that choc fest surprises me every month. Yesterday it was fun size milky ways and bountys. I ate about ten of them. Which is actually an improvement as before it could have been the whole bag of 12 bountys and 18 milky ways :p so that is another thing to be thankful about a tight band!

This morning I was able to have all of my yoghurt, not just half that I was managing last week, and lunch of chicken with spinach and feta dip went down very nicely.

Thinking about it, it had better be my periods causing this sudden change in the band! If I get some out only to find out that this is actually the new norm and it was just taking a while to settle dowm, I'll scream :o) But everything should be back to normal by Friday, so hopefully I will have a better idea at then.

I never do trust myself when jugding my band. I keep wondering if I am trying to talk myself out of getting some of the fill out because a tight band means better weight loss, even though I can barely eat and I think I get heart burn with it. Or I think I am talking myself into getting some fill removed, because that means I'll be able to eat more food, even though I do need to be eating a little bit more, I just need to be staying away from the junk food and focus on protein and less on carbs. It gets a little busy in my head at times, as it does in all of us at times I am sure!

But enough complaining :o) My Mondayis now over and I am off to have a bit of an early night. I think all I have leftt in my today is a little blog reading catch up time and sleep time for me. I hope everyone has had a great Monday and the week continues just as nicely.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Free Dress Friday

No uniform for work today and just because I felt like sharing a pic of me :o)

Still tight, but I am working with my band and not against it. Start the day off with sipping my coffee and then water, and then lunch is this:
And the only reason there are no crackers under that chicken with spinach and feta dip is because I didn't have any left :p mind you, I can eat more chicken with out them, so it is a good thing :o) i had already eaten a slice of chicken and taken a bite of cheese from the small plate before I took the photo.

It was tasty and went down well, even if it did take a while to eat. I actually didn't eat anything else all afternoon, after work we went for drink and I had two glasses of wine as well as some hot chips, but as usual I could only have a small amount of those (I think I have definately over estimated in the below counter for the amount I ate). Hot chips does not agree with my band, only the real crispy ones, so all in all. Not a very healthy dinner, but I figured I needed to relax with work mates more than I needed to worry about food. And even with the chips I was still under in calores, I just didn't make the protein I like.
But anyway, I am now on the train on my way home and then hitting the sack. The only thing else that I will be consuming is soom water to make up for the wine. I really notice the dehydrating affect alcohol has on me these days.

Every day, I do discover new things about my band and my body. and one day, it will all click together and I will have all that I need to complete my journey to goal... It really is a longer journey for some.

Oh and I was actually discussing the band with some ladies tonight, they were curious and I was open about it. Explained the proceedure and everything. They are overweight and had tried so many times to loose weight and were now thinking about it as an option.

I like doing that, because even though I am not yet at goal, I have always thought this was the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I am very pro band when it comes to wls. I know that I am not currently at goal, because I have not done the work that I need to do. I also know that I still have it in me to get to goal.

Well after that bit of self promoting, I hope you are all as pumped as I am for the weekend :p have a great one and I shall be reading and commenting where ever I can! Thanks for getting through this one, I know I can ramble a bit after a glass of wine :o)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Really, can I be stopped?

Here's the lastest delemma...the fill was too big!

Not by much, but enough that I have made an appointment to go back next week and get some taken out. The problem with the water is getting worse. I am still able to drink, but I have to go real slow with it and I am not able to eat anything until late afternoon. Yesterday morning I couldn't even get through half my greek yoghurt. I put some nuts in it, (slivered almonds and walnut pieces) and they were not happy going down. No PB, but a some heart burn, which I think is worse :p

And then it feels as though I am starving, because I haven't had a lot to eat, so what did I do? Had ice cream for dinner! I am not happy with myself!

Here was my day (& the ice cream is probably worth more calories than what I have down)
To be honest, I was doing okay with it until I got home! But the low calorie intake (at least for me lately) just took it's toll and ate away at my resistance! Not that I am trying to make excuses! I know that I need to eat more during the day so that I don't do this type of eating when I get home, there are so many more better choices I could have made for dinner besides a large bowl of ice cream with choc topping! Even with the tight band. I should have had another shake, or I could have had some yoghurt. I would have been able to eat some fish or moist chicken, but I didn't even think of that.

I made the choice to eat the ice cream, and so now I have to get over it!

With my band, I think I knew I was going to be too tight straight after I had it done, but silly me thought it would go away, and to be honest, I can be tight straight away after a fill and then have it "settle down" a few days later, but this time, if anything it has gotten tighter.

So I will be on shakes and yoghurt for the next week or so and while that should be good for the scales, it will not be so good for my brain. Mind you the afternoon tea I had today went well, a tiny bit of thinly sliced roasted chicken, with spinach and feta dip on rice crackers. Very tasty, and because I was finely able to eat something, went down quite well, it just needed a bit more protein, but I may be able to try more of the chicken today, as I only had a tiny bit yesterday due to the fact that I was a little scared I would still have problems.so the next week should be alright, if I can keep in mind that it is just the mornings I need to be extra careful and then stick to the healthy proteins in the afternoon.

So today the plan is to sip, sip, sip water, as yesterday I only managed to get 1 litre down instead of 2! Shake and yoghurt in the morning, and then look at the same afternoon tea, but more of the chicken, and then for dinner, fish with a some veges. That's the plan, now to put it in action.

Thanks for reading about my delemma and I hope you have agreat Thursday - darn, I could have done a Ten Thing Thursday :/ have to try again next week.....
(pic source)

Monday, October 22, 2012

Hunger.....

So I was watching a BandedWendy youtube video last night on hunger & wls : Proof WLS Works w/BandedWendy: Let's Talk About Hunger & WLS and this really got me thinking (like so many things do) I don't think I know what hunger is at the moment.

Like Wendy, pre surgery I did not know hunger, I always just ate. After surgery, I didn't really get hungry at all, I would eat when I was supposed to and sometimes it would be five hours before I would remember to eat. I think I only felt real hunger a few times and that would be when it had been a very long time between meals.

But over time, I have gotten back into pre surgery days of always eating, and of course, how am I supposed to loose more weight if I am always grazing. A lot of the time I am still eating because I am bored, tired or procrastinating, not because I am hungry.

So along with BandedWendy's food tips, I am also taking on board her attitude to hunger. I know I have to first learn the hunger fellings again, but I am doing this.

I googled a little and have come you withe following to help me with this learning curve.

First I need to ask myself the following questions:

1. Am I thirsty?
2. Am I tired?
3. Am I bored?
4. When was the last time I ate—was it less than three hours ago?
5. Can I wait 15 minutes before I eat again? Until the next meal?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then I am not really hungry, or at least not hungry enough!

I'm printing these out and putting them on my desk at work, as that is were I do most of my grazing, might even see about tattooing them on my hand :p

Now what I have to do is come up with a list of alternatives for when I am bored or tired, as these are the two main reasons for eating when not hungry at work.

Bored is the big one, cause I go through times at work were I am all up to date and actually have nothing to do, they are getting rarer, but coming up to christmas there will be more of them. That is my real quite time. I also get bored when doing the same thing over and over again and there are also times at work were that happens. In fact, I am about to have two weeks of it, as it is time to get a lot of work out for next year, so instead of doing different things for lots of different people, I'll be doing the same thing over, and over, and over again. Nothing bores me more!

Tired is another one, but this one I am going to have to be proactive about. You see, there are times when I just don't go to sleep, happened on Saturday, stayed up until 2:30am because I didn't want to sleep. I kept pushing through the times I got really sleepy. Even though I had to work a full day on Sunday and had an hours drive each way to get there! just did not want to sleep, and then when I finally went to bed, I had the worst time getting to sleep because I was over tired.

This of course led to snacking yesterday, although I wasn't as bad as usual. I can honestly say that when I ate yesterday, I was not "hungry"! Hence why I went checking for inspiration last night!

Which also reminds me that I need to do my Monday Morning weigh in:

Week 138 post-op weigh in,
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
Last week: 111.7 kg / 246.2 lb
Current weight: 111.5kg / 245.8 lb
Change: loss of 0.2 kg / 0.4 lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 40.2 kg / 88.6 lb

Small loss this week, but then I didn't log and check the weigh in daily. But I will be on to that as of today as I need to keep track on how I am going with the hunger signals.

alright, I have rambled on enough for today :o) Have a great Monday everyone!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

What's in a fill

So Thursday saw me back at my surgeon's office for the first time since last November!

We had a quick chat about how I was going and he agreed to give me a small fill. By his scales I have lost about two kilos since my last visit with him, but when I explained that I had ben steady for most of the year, but had gained a little in the last month, he agreed to put a bit in to help get it the losses happening again.

I got on the table, he did his usual thing of drawing everything out (& yes I still had the 8.5ml I had last time - always good to know) and then put that all back in and added another little bit. Now the thing with my surgeon is that he doesn't like to give you the exact numbers, so I am not 100% sure on what is in there now, all I do know is that is under 9mls. When he adds more in he will tell you what he pulled out when he checked it, but nothing more.

I asked him about this once and he just said that people get too fixated on the numbers and don't really listen to there bodies about the fill level, and it does make sense... I already compare myself to others in weight loss when I shouldn't, so I know I would compare fill levels as well!

Result from this fill....

A vast improvement in restriction!

While I never really pushed my restriction levels before, I knew that they were there and did occasionally notice it. I really think the problem was that I knew it so well, I had gotten it down perfectly what I could eat and just automatically stayed away from what I knew I couldn't have.

Just in the last two days I have already noticed that I need to learn those restiction levels again. There isn't a great difference, but it is enough that I need to be careful. And I am so thankful!!!

Already my portions are smaller, and I am finding it easier to stay away from bad choices. Yes it has only been two days, but it is a start :p

To help I have checked out Banded Wendy's facebook (Proofwlsworks You Tube) page as she has so many great food ideas and I'm going to try this:
Something simple and tasty and can be easily portioned out in small serves. I am just trying t work out what veges I will out with it so that it is not just protein in the meal. I will have a look to see what is on season at the moment and I think just add it to the dish.

The only thing I have noticed, especially today, is that I am going to be a little bit mindful of getting water in. I made the mistake of having a small glass of soft drink yesterday and that did not agree, in fact it came back up very quickly. The silly thing is I rarely drink the stff, but decided to have some the day after a fill! This morning I noticed that I have not had as much waterr as usual, and when I guzzled some down, I noticed it wasn't going down like normal. I am going to have to remember to take smaller gulps and do that more often.

But other than that, I am loving this fill. I have a goal to get to double digits (in kilos) and I would like to do that this year. So now that I have the restriction I need to just stay away from junk food and this should be achievable.

In fact I actually feel like a bandster again! This can only be a good thing!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Timing

Yes I am a bit of slacker when it comes to blogging of late. It's because I'm not following the rules...... But what else is new right?

Last Monday the scale read 111.9kg / 246.7lb so that was down about half a kilo or one pound from the week before. Have to be happy about that. To be honest I have not checked the scale this week. Tuesday and Wednesday, was a struggle, I had to sop myself from stepping on it. But after that I actually have forgotten about it. Bsically I am just trying different methods to see if there are any changes to the way I approach the week and my weight.

First week. I tracked food and weighed in daily - at the end I lost about a kilo.

Second week. I tracked food but not weighing - at the end I lost half a kilo.

Third week. Not tracking and not weighing - final test will be on Monday.

And after those three lines it is obvious that week one worked best for weight loss. Why am I supprised!!!

Just means I have to track and weigh daily to continue do well. And whenever I get tired of it, I just have to ask myself if I really want to get to goal... Simple.

Yeah, I know, don't all laugh at the same time :o) if it was that simple I'd have been at goal a long time.

Good news is I have an appointment on Thursday for a fill. So that will help.

In other unrelated news...this is Tiny Monsters...
I am addicted to this fun little time waister. Breeding new monsters, and collecting all the coins are fun ways to pass the time.

And another little thing
Yep, I got the new iPhone 5, I'm loving it :o) it's cute and fast and makes we want to call and text people :p

Okay, that is all from me, just a quick one to let you know I am still about and thinking of you all. I shall return :o)

Monday, October 1, 2012

The Weight Dilemma

This is me just working through some issues I am discovering are the causes behind me not getting to be where I want to be at the moment.....
This is how the last five days have gone. I haven't bothered with calories and protein, partly because I wanted to keep it real simple and another part of me really didn't want to know.

There really is no consistancy in my eating. Some days I start off great, but don't eat enough so get really hungry and crap out in the afternoon. Other days I start the crap eariler and it sometimes gets a little better.

The thing that gets me wondering about me and my mind is that the movement on the scale really didn't affect my motivation to stay on track. In fact I think I went off track more when the scale went down!

It is like I'm thinking that because I didn't do a heap of exercise and wasn't on the healthy food track 110% I some how don't deserve the weight to go down. And there is also another part that is scared of me actually suceeding in lossing weight.

I can never remember a time when I have tracked my weight were I weighted less than 100 kilos / 220 pounds. When I was in year 5 everyone had to weigh themselves for an averaging experiment or that bell's curve thing with scoring. I weighed in at 60kg / 132lb (heaviest in the class). I was so embarassed about it that I didn't weigh myself again until I was 25. The scale said 125kg / 275lb and the only reason I know this was because that was while the doctor was trying to work out what was wrong with me when I first got gallstones and she noticed from my last visit the wek before that I had lost weight just by looking at me.

Since then I have been a bit of a scale freak. And the way it affects me is different every day.

I can get the same result on the scale two days in a row (for example - loose half a pound each day)

~The first day I might be excited about it - it's working, what ever I'm doing is working.
~The second day I may be disheartened by it - but I ate a chocolate covered strawberry, something must be wrong with me as I am not consistant and the scale always varies.

The same thoughts can occur when the scale also shows a gain.

~day one it's - of course I gained, I ate badly, just pull your self up and be better today, you can do this.
~day two it could be - why can't I ever loose weight. I am so pathetic. I ate a piece of fruit, why haven't I lost 20 kilos already!

The fact that the body flucuates regularly, doesn't enter the thought process. The fact that I have lost 40 kilos over a long period of time doesn't matter (so it should be easier to keep it off - they do say slower is better). Nothing changes the fact that I am not at my goal and so I might as well give up.

Only I DON'T WANT to give up!

Every time in the last twelve years when I have tried to loose weight, as soon as I get anywhere near the 100 kg mark, all the fight leaves and I go back to bad habits and the weight piled back on.

That's the real stumbling block behind my two year plateau that I am dealing with. I saw that I was possibly going to get to goal, get under the 100kg mark and keep loosing weight and the brain just froze.

If I didn't know better, I would think I had suffered some traumatic event as a kid that was around my weight, but unless it is buried really deep, I don't see it! I have more traumatic memories about my glasses than I do about weight!

~I was ten, had just starting wearing them and some moron yells out four-eyes as he drove by - yes I still have issues about that but I still wear glasses.

The weight thing bugs me more than anything else. Pisses me off that I sabotage myself so much.

Just not to the point where I actually do something to get past that mark!

Now this is not a post where I exclaim that I will be doing everything 110% right from this second on.

This is a post that is there for me to say, I am aware of it and I am working on it!
This is what I need to work on.

Too often I expect prefection from myself. I have never been perfect at anything. Who has?

Why do any of us expect perfection from our weightloss journey? Because we had a band? I am always saying that the band is not a cure for fatness, it's a tool to help me loose weight.

We all tell people that.

But deep down, I think I wanted to believe that it was a cure, and have been dealing with the disappointment that it isn't.....

So I am working on it still and will continue to work on the progress of getting to goal. Because if I keep working on it, I just know I'll get there eventually.

(And if you made it this far - thanks so much for reading my long thought of the night)

Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday catch up

I saw the doctor and basically the only helpful thing that happened is I got my letter to see the lapband doctor. Everything else didn't go as well.

Basically, my little finger probably has a small fracture or break, but as it is not swollen or disfigured, there is nothing they can do, if I want I can get an x-ray, but "give it a few days to see if it stops hurting before you decide if you want to get that done".

As for the knee, he did give me the name of a physio in the area, but after going through my recent weight history (the pain started after a gained a few kilos) he suggested to see if losing those few kilos helps with the problem - which is what I am doing anyway, but I think I also need to see the physio.

There is always something that needs work on :o)

Head hunger is ahead today, mainly cause we are having a footy day at work
I get to wear the jersey I was given :o)

Basically there is a lot of junk around the office. I have had a party pie and 2 small chicken dumplings as well as a few handfuls of chips and lollies. So it could have been so much worse. But could have also been so much better!

I just have to stay strong over the three day weekend (love public holiday Monday's - hate having to work them) i am working all three days and usually that means bad food choices. The plan is to bring in carrots for snacking and leave cash at home so that I only eat what I have at work.... but I really don't think that will work, so I am working an planning snacks a little better and be a little bit more prepared!

Off to do that now! Enjoy your Friday and I hope all the BOOBs are having a fantastic time in Chicago :o)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

So much for regular posting :p

Don't know where the time has gone... And whoe some things have changed, some are still the same!

I actually haven't been to the doctors yet and I need to for several reasons. But it takes so long to see any one at the practice I go to and I always feel like a hypochondriac. I am trying to get an appointment at a new place where they actually allow appointments, not like the place I go to where you show p, they take your name and add it to the list in front of you.

But I do need to do this soon, cause I need a referal letter to see the lapband surgeon renewed (otherwise I'm out of pocket for the visits) and I need to have my knee and little finger looked at..

Knee: this is probably something that the doctor won't be able to help, but will be able to give a referal letter to a physio for it. Not sure what is wrong, but I am getting some pain in it and I think from compensating for it, is the reason my hip is also sore. Nothing to play around with I know.

Little finger: this is weird, I was walking my dog about five weeks ago and the leash got caught up around it, when Blondie yanked, so was my little finger. At first I thought it was bruised. It wasn't too painful. But then a knocked it outwards and I got some pain. It's fine if I push the finger into my hand, but as soon as it is moved too far away from the natural pose of the finger there is some pain. And that can never be good.

On the up side. I have been doing yoga on a regular base. Three to four times a week in the mornings before work. And while this is more than likely thenreason for the knee pain. It doesn't hurt if I am careful, in fact Ithink because it is very structured and precise movements, it is actually helping, but it is sore after it, so I am taking it easy and trying not to over do it.

I do have to stop myself from thinking about how I look when I am doing it cause I feel as though this is what I look like:
And if I think about too much, I would stop!

But I am getting there.

The weight is still up - another reason why I need to get back to the surgeon, so that I can get a fill. At the moment I'm on 113.1kg / 249.3lb which is up about 3kg / 7lb from my lowest. At the moment I am doing some shakes for breakfast and lunch, with a snack in the morning and afternoon and then dinner. Not the best, but it is what I need to do for the moment. Hopefully it will help with my head hunger too.

I realised this morning that the head hunger is a battle I have never won and I have to wonder if that is the main difference between the lapbanders that get and stay at goal and those of us who don't. I sort of had it a little under control for the first six months after surgery, but then lost it... I want it back, that drive and determination. I am trying to get it, everytime I go to the crap food, I think, do I want this, am I hungry, do I want to get closer to goal? And so far the good is winning more often then not. Although I did cave once today and had a small packet of chips, but I said not to biscuits, chocolate and sugary drinks, so that is a start!

In other rambling news. I have got the new iPhone on order. Hopefully I will have it by the end of next week..... Fingers are crossed. Less than a week after the release of it and the whole country has sold out it seems. Its not like Apple didn't know it was going to be popular :p

That all for now, I will get back here soon ;o)

Monday, September 3, 2012

What a Week

So I was thinking over the last week with my neice being up and I realised it was a huge week for me. Besides having her up here and trying to help her with what she has been going through, I have had an amazing week of good fortune!!!

Monday at work I got a visit from Steve Walters (Rugby player for Queensland and former Qld State of Origin player) I had helped with a large group booking of kids on our trains for a foundation he works with. He came to give me one of these:

Commemorative State of Origin jersey and it lists all of the Queensland players that have played on our state's side through the years.

Even better is that it is signed by Mal Meninga (Legend and Team Coach)

And Cameron Smith (Team Captain)

Wednesday I was able to get a couple of tickets to a Pitbull concert through work!
And they were great seats too!

Now I did not really know what to expect as I didn't know of Pitbull by name prior to this. But I was very pleasantly supprised that I actually knew a lot of the music and really liked it. I am just terrible putting artists to music :p there was a bit of at very heavy bass usage in the music that I do not like, but on the whole. It was great music and a great (if not late) night.

I also really enjoyed e support acts that were on.

And then Friday comes and I won the work's social club Father's Day raffle
Yep, an awesome four burner BBQ, I haven't gotten this one home yet, and it comes in two boxes, one weighs 20kilos the other is 40 kilos, so I need to ise a trolley and have someone helping me get it into a car! So it will have to wait until this week end when I am working and will be able to take the car in.

When I think back. I don't think I could have had a better week. Tori was happy, I was happy and we all had a great week.

Pity it couldn't have continued. Tori went home Friday and on Father's Day yesterday my sister and her husband wouldn't let there daughter come over and visit them so that she could give him his Father's Day present. What sort of mother and father do that? So she is again upset! I wish she would have listened to me when I told her to stay away feom them, but I can'tblame her, she still loves her family and still wants to be a part of their lives. They are just selfish @sses that don't care about anything other than themselves!

Sorry, rant over.

Anyway, I hope to be able to help out Tori anyway I can!

Now it is Monday morning and I am on my way into the city for an early Yoga class, trying it out to see how the 7-8am class works in with my morning prior to starting work. I am hoping to get to the class four mornings a week. It will help with relaxing (hopefully) and also with getting me in a good frame of mind for the day.

Tackeling my depression on as many fronts as possible and this is just one of them.

Have a great week everyone!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Not me this time..

Thanks for your comments and support, it really means a lot. I will be going to the doctors. It has just been put on hold for a little while, because all of a sudden my neice is up for a visit and we really don't know what is going on with her.

She suffers from depression (it obviously runs in the family) and basically had a real bad day and so flew from Sydney to Brisbane to get away from it for a bit. The only problem is she only has a few months left before she finishes school. I honestly don't know what she will do with that. I know I need to incourage her to finish shool, but at the moment she is not trying or putting any effort, so a bit of me wonders if she would be better off getting to a better place, working through her issues and then re-do her last year of school through TAFE.

The biggest problem is the doctors are still trying to get her meication at the right level, so sometimes it works great, but with her own hormonal changes, it just doesn't work for some of the time.

Update: after getting home and discussing it with her she will be going back to Sydney. She just told me she only has about 13 more school days before her exams, so she will be going back and will need to finish. The few months is because there is then a break before her final exams and they go on for about four weeks, she has a two week break in the middle of them too. I think hearing it like that brout home how close she really is, so she will be heading back on Friday....

The silver lining of this is that while I am worrying about her, my mood isn't so bad. Thinking of others before me, I guess.

But I will be at the doctors next week. I know what I need to do for myself!

Now I'm off to bed. It's been a long day and I am tired. Thanks again :o)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

A ramble about my depression...

So the waterchallenge is a bit on and off...

Last week there where a few days affected by holidays for the local show, that with 'fun' days at work for the show, meant that the water mark was not met on three of the days.

I have been a little bit down lately and I have to blame an awards ceremony for work that I went to on Friday for it.

It was to celebrate last quarters productivity where the high proformers get awards and recognised for all there hard work.

I'm not included, for the simple reason that they can't work out how to measure my KPI's (key productivity indicators) because I'm a department of one! And I have recently worked out the my "productivity" has increased 250% so far his calendar year as they have reduced the role from two full timers to me! So basically they just gave an award to someone how increased their productivity by 5 or 10 percent in a quarter - they got an award, a pat on the back and a gift certificate. I have more than doubled my workload, and am not even acknowledged.

So yeah, work life is not really the best. I have lost all enthusism for it, (& I hate how this app that I use for blogging, doesnt have spell check because I know I have spelt that wrong).

In other fun filled news {insert sarcasim here} my weight is not changing.

I kow my mind is not in the right frame, but to be honest I am sick of that excuse! I want my brain rewired, so that stress and problems don't lead me to food.

But as my mother always says: "I want, never gets" so i have to really stop wanting that and start doing that....

I have been doing a lot of thinking and know that I need to go and see a doctor about getting back on ani depressants. The funny thing is I stopped taking them because I stopped loosing weight, and stopped going to the gym, and stopped playing the cello! But since I stoped taking them, I haven't gotten back into any of that.

I hate the fact that I have to resort to medication, but then I turn around and adise my 17 year old niece, hat if the doctor wants her on medication for depression, then she has nothing to be ashamed of and that it for her best interests. Like so many people, I give great advise, I just can't take it!

Self portrait at a sad moment in time

I actually have a few photos like this on my phone. I have this urge to do self portraits when I am really down, I have no idea why. I sometimes think it is to prolong the pain, cause myself more pain, or remind myself that what I was feeling did happen? It is the only time I don't have to force myself in front of a camera, but they are also photos that I go out of my way to look at.

Okay, enough rambling for now, sorry for the down post, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Weekend That Was :o)

The week end is over and I am almost off to bed.

Yesterday saw me off to a friends for a fun filled Tax Party - we all had our tax returns done and enjoyed a great lunch and company! I am even getting a bit of a tax refund, which is always a great deal with the tax man :o)

Today I enjoyed a long walk this morning, we are getting faster and fitter on these walks :o)

I then went to a lunch at the coffee club for the monthly Brisbane WLS meet up(it used to be Lapband, but a few have made the switch to bypass or sleeve and so we cover everyone now :p

Once again I look around the table and can't help notice the differences in our journey's. Most have had the WLS for a few goodyears andthey have previously reach (or got close to it) and then have gained most of their weight back,and are now struggling to get back on track. Then there was one lady that is farely new to the group, she has reached goal, kept it off and has even had a body lift! And while I like all the women there, I can't help but be drawn to the one that has been sucessful!

And I notice the difference in the attitudes, even though it is a once a month meet up, most of the womengo for the calorie packed meals for lunch as it is a "treat" meal, where she sticks to the low calorie options that she always has. That simple act highlights a lot of my issues, if I look at every outing as a special "treat" meal (which I do) then that is a lot of "treat" meals in a week. Because when I look at my days, lunch at work is concidered an "outing"

Isn't it amazing what you can realize in a moment! Something that should have been obvious, but seemed to hide in plain sight, for the simple reason, that I did not want to see it.

Moving on to Monday and with this new insight, it seems like it is all falling a little be better into place. Because this morning my walking buddy and I decided we are also going to support each other at work with lunches! We will be bring food in to work to make salads and healthy lunches at work to share! I guess I really am starting to take control of my journey! And the added bonus of someone else relying on me remembering to bring in the stuff from home should be more than enough to overcome my usual forgetfulness with food from home, cause I can't disappoint someone else!

Oh yeah, and the challenge this week will be WATER!!! Minimum of 2 litres a day :o) that is the best start I can do for myself I think.

Now, it's off to bed for me, here is hooing the plan goes ahead well and the week is as strong as the prospect of it (if that makes any sense :p)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Friday Filler

Yes I am at a loss for a title :o)

Good news is my stomach has settled down, nothing to worry about (as usual) and even the tenderness has gone.

And it is Friday with no work sceduled for the weekend! So today is looking great.

Now I dont have my lunch made, but that is okay, I will pick something up. Friday's are casual at work, no uniform & my team leader brings us all a small chocolate, and most Friday's, we even do a coffee run to a place that gives you a free donut! So I am thinking I am going to need to pick up a healthy snack prior to getting to the office, and make sure I drink my morning coffee slowly, that way I will be able to turn down the chocolate, and will not need another coffee (or the donut) at coffee run time :o)

I'm trying to think of simple stuff I can have at work for satisfying and warm lunches (we have reached the windy time of winter here in Brisbane) everything I think of either needs too much prep or involves me buying from a cafe everyday, and that is niether cheap or satisfying.

The biggest problem I have on deciding what to prepare is all you American's! You seem to have such a great variety of diet foods over there. None of which are available here in Aus. And there is rarely a substitute either. So all these great ideas that I find, I can't use properly. Or have five times the amount of calories and a third of the protein :o) I guess I will have to stay with the simple staples like left overs brought from home, while tasty and economical, I tend to forget them more often than not :p

Alright, I think I have filled in enoughh of your time :o) Have a great weekend!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Hypochondria

hy·po·chon·dri·ac   [hahy-puh-kon-dree-ak]

a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria,  an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed at the hypochondriac demographic.

b. produced by hypochondria: Hypochondriac feelings overwhelmed her.

I sometime wonder if I suffer from this, the smallest thing and I worry. A mole gets a little bigger and I think it has to be skin cancer, have it checked and its just a normal mole. Felt a lump in my breast once, had a whole heap of tests done and turns out it was just the hormonal changes of my body when I get my period.

These things where I have gone to the doctor only to be told that its nothing have me worried that I worry too much!

Where am I going with this?

Well last night I was scrunched over cutting my toenails and when I sat back up, it felt like my stomach got tangled up and was really sore and took a little while for me to be able to straighten up completely. Felt a little wierd as I went to bed, and all day today it has felt tender. I should add that I was wearing a constricting, hold you in camisole. I don't know what I did, but if it doesn't settle down in a day or so, I will have it checked out.

But I of course immediately think my band has slipped, even though there are no other symptoms to support this theory.

I sometimes think I look for things that are wrong with the band so that I can prove it isn't me that is failing!

Sad that....

Yet another thing that needs working on :o) but for now I think I will go work on a photo chllenge for my self. Jen had a great idea of having it based on band related topics, like food I have prepared and other such things..... The brain is ticking, I'll let you know what I come up with :o) Night all!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Struggle

It seems to be a common theme on quite a few blogs lately. I ahve been trying to read as mainly blogs as possible as it has been a while, and it really di supprise me that the are so many of us struggling at the moment. And to be honest most of is hat are struggling are ones that have been banded for a while.

Suprising! But it has helped me, and so I hope my return has maybe helped someone else. Because it has really been encouraging to see that I am not alone! And hopefully with so many of us returning to blogging and returning to focusing on our journey, we may be able to encourage each other to keep on track and get past this hurdle that has stopped us in our tracks.

Besides eating and exercising, one of the main things I need to do is keep blogging, that can be hard when you've been at this journey for a few years and not yet reached goal. How do you inspire others, let alone yourself with your blog roll, when you can't stay focused on doing what is needed to be sucessful with the band?

At first I was thinking a weight loss challenge, but that thought quickly passed, because wave weight loss challenge in front of me and I gain three pounds :p Something about them just sends me off the deep end.

So I am toying with a non weight related challenge, something to keep me motivated and inspired to stay blogging. I have always loved photography and wondering if that could be something I could do as a self challenge to end blog posts for a while. I am even thinking that to start with, just a seven day challenge. One full week

To be honest I want to try anything to stay focused. It feels like I am finally geeting back to me at the moment, and I don't want to loose that. I have been very depressed the last few months and getting out of that rut has been a struggle.

One of the best things I have done is start reading your blogs again. I think if I had kept reading, I don't think I would have been so depressed for so long. Keeping in touch with this community is the best thing I can do for me :o) So thanks for reading!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Remembering

The day I got my band was the best day of my life! I felt on top of the world! I just knew that i would get to my goal and nothing would stop me. 

Two and a half years later, that enthurism has gone. I truely don't believe that anymore! Why? I have no idea! All I know is that I haven't felt sure about reaching goal for about two years now,and in that two years I have not lost a lot of weight in comparison to that first six months.

At six months into being banded, I was here!

I mean since then I have lost another 12 kilos, but it has been a very slow process and a lot of the time it has been very up and down.

Why?

I can tell you that - my diet is crap! 
My headspace is in dire need of being adjusted!
I need to move my ass more than once a week!

How do I fix this?

That is the question, isn't it? 

First off, I have been back reading through my blog. It is actually quite fun. It's like reading the blog of an optimistic stranger at the moment, because I really do not recognize me from those posts any more. Sad as that is! 

I have to clean up my eating. The chips and chocolate and crap have to stop. I read back through posts where I was recording what I as eating and it sounds so tasty! I used to go weeks without buying my lunch. Packed lunches are the way to success. More protein. I read one week were I had a roast pumpkin salad three days in a row with different types of protein added to it every day. I haven't had that salad since, but I still remember it! How sad it that. 

I also have to get my water intake back up to the two liter mark every day. I can't remember the last time I actually drank that much and that was something I was always so good at too. Even before being banded.

Exercise is a must. I need to start from scratch on this, slow and steady and just do it. No ifs buts or maybes about it.

And lastly; I need to blog. The time I was successful was when I was reading and posting on a regular base. I miss it so much. I miss me!

I am off to a good start, tonight after work I went to the gym. Got there, realised I forgot my purse which has my membership card in, so had to go back home to pick that up and actually went back to the gym. Then after that came home and made diner (spaghetti & meatballs) only got half way though that as I did have a stuck episoide. Need to lay off the pasta, that is what I get stuck on, and it is not the first time, so it shows I aint listening to me still!

I have even made lunch for tomorrow. It is just a simple tuna salad,that I will have with rice cakes and tomato and maybe some cheese. But it is a start. And that is what I am trying to do!

Night all :o)

Monday, July 16, 2012

Two days in a row :o)

First up, because I can't stop myself:

Week 121 post-op weigh in, 
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
week 117: 110.0 kg / 242.5lb
Current weight: 109.4kg / 241.2lb.
Change: loss of 0.6kg / 1.3lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 42.5kg/ 93.7lb

So that means I have lost an average of 0.15kg / 0.33lb a week :D

What actually has happened is that it has just been going up and down, so at least it has been a down ward motion this week!

And if I am honest with myself, that total loss is going down. This is still back to my previous lowest number on the scale, so it is a good number.

Something Good I Did Today For Me:

Made a healthy packed lunch for tomorrow, includes a small serve of spagetti bolangaise (lots of veg and meat in the sauce, very little pasta); a mandarine for morning tea and a chese stick and ham slices for afternoon tea.

Preparing for the next challenge is just as important as getting through today's :o)

Now, for something random!

As I sit here and watch the TV I realise there is just so much junk on the box! The ads are enough to drive anyone insane and the crap food, no wonder I can't stay away from it. I rarely pay too much attention to the TV, in fact, I usually tape the shows I want to watch and then watch them at a later time so that I can fast forward the ads. But I just have to wonder how much of that info gets in the brain with out us even knowing it.


I really have to wonder if I could survive turning off the box! And I don't think I am even going to try at this time. But it is a great idea for the near future.

I'll be back soon, I hope you all have a great week. For a Monday, today wasn't too bad :p

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Something Good I Did Today For Me

Can you please ignore my recent absence?

I have tried writing this post so many times. I have no big news to report, other than my life is very boring and I have been in a very deep rut of work, sleep and self doubt.

Doubt is always in my mind. About what I am doing, what I can achieve and what I am doing with my life.

Band wise, I am still holding steady. Around the 110.0 kg / 242.5lb mark! Every morning I make a promise to myself that I will do better 'today' and by mid morning I have eaten something I wasn't going to and the prisime is over.

Really, how often can I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day!

So, in my eternal search for finding a way to get past my brain, I am starting a new tactic:

Something Good I Did Today For Me:

Today I walked for an hour and twenty minutes!

***

A simple concept, and one that I am sure has been done a million times before, I am sure even be me in the past, but really I have to start focusing on the good things I'm doing and not worry so much about the not so good things I do every day! Because the truth is I get hooked on the not so good and just dwell on them. And it is continually dragging me down.

By the way that walk was great. Brigitte, a friend from work only lives a suburb over from me and we are planning to do the Inca Trail next year together. To get ready for it, we bothneed to loose some weight and get fitter. So hence the walking! To begin with are goal is a minimum of a good strong one hour walk, but we will be building that up until we are regularly doong strong four hour walks. At this stage of the game, that seems unimaginable, but I do think we will get there. I just have to stop the self doubt from getting in, otherwise we won't get to South America at all.

This photo is something else I am trying. I need to see photos of myself that I actually like!
I took this one of myself while recently up in Cairns for the tour I was on. I had a great time and even though my feet were killing me from not wearing proper shoes for the previous four days, I still had a great time with new friends and was thoughly enjoying the day out. The women I was with were taking a lot of self portraits, its what they did, and so I was trying it out myself. This one is not the best picture for focus and quality (I blame that on having to use my phone instead of my camera) but it is still one I actually like of me.

So anyway, thanks for reading. I have been readying blogs but have not really commented much. Self doubt has taken a lot from me lately but I am trying to claw back some of life back, bit by bit. Tomorrow is my weigh in day. I am back at the stage where I do not look forward to that day, but I still can't stop myself. But I am trying not to dwell too much on it for now.

Be back soon & enjoy what is left of your Sunday :o)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Week 117 Pst-Op update

Week 117 post-op weigh in, 
Starting weight: 151.9kg / 334.9lb
last week: 109.4kg / 241.1lb
Current weight: 110.0 kg / 242.5lb
Change: gain of 0.6kg / 1.4lb
Total Weight Lost to Date: 41.9kg/ 92.4lb

Yep, the sugar monster called and I answered every time this week.

The only good thing about it is that I know the reason and am not worrying about it. Still trying to go a little easy on myself with this journey.

I was thinking about the weight I have lost to date and can not believe it, over 40 kilos or 90 pounds.

I really do not have a right to be pissed off at myself because I don't like the fact that I haven't lost more. That amount of weight is fantastic; and I have to keep telling myself that until it sinks into this think skull of mine.

That said, I am definitely not happy that I gained weight this week, but I am not dwelling on it, because that just makes it worse and is usually followed by more weight gain!

Not sure how I will go this week either, which is a little scary in a way. But the most of the week, I really don't have a lot of control on the food.

I'm going away tomorrow for work, I am helping to act as a host of a 5 day tour that is heading to Cairns. It is based on cooking, so there is lots of food! For a few of the dinners I will actually be helping to serve, but for the rest of it, my job is to mingle and socialise with the rest of the guests and that envolves eating with them!

I am really looking forward to it, but am just a tad nervous. The thought of eating to fast and getting stuck has my worried, so worried, I don't think it will happen because I am thinking about it so much :o)

There will be breakfast everyday, so my main plan is to go light, I usually just have a large coffee in the morning and then something to eat something after about 10am. I think I should be able to stick to that plan for the mornings, I just don't have a good idea aout linches and I know the dinners are going to envolve lots of food, so I will be chasing food around the plate a bit and disguising left behind food! Either that or I will have to find a way to excuse my self when the meals come around and maybe miss a few servings :o)

We will see how it goes. I also hope to get a few exercise sessions in, don't really like my chances as it is early mornings and late nights, but here should be some time in the days and one morning is not the early start.

I'll let you know :o) have a great week everyone!