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Thursday, August 23, 2012

A ramble about my depression...

So the waterchallenge is a bit on and off...

Last week there where a few days affected by holidays for the local show, that with 'fun' days at work for the show, meant that the water mark was not met on three of the days.

I have been a little bit down lately and I have to blame an awards ceremony for work that I went to on Friday for it.

It was to celebrate last quarters productivity where the high proformers get awards and recognised for all there hard work.

I'm not included, for the simple reason that they can't work out how to measure my KPI's (key productivity indicators) because I'm a department of one! And I have recently worked out the my "productivity" has increased 250% so far his calendar year as they have reduced the role from two full timers to me! So basically they just gave an award to someone how increased their productivity by 5 or 10 percent in a quarter - they got an award, a pat on the back and a gift certificate. I have more than doubled my workload, and am not even acknowledged.

So yeah, work life is not really the best. I have lost all enthusism for it, (& I hate how this app that I use for blogging, doesnt have spell check because I know I have spelt that wrong).

In other fun filled news {insert sarcasim here} my weight is not changing.

I kow my mind is not in the right frame, but to be honest I am sick of that excuse! I want my brain rewired, so that stress and problems don't lead me to food.

But as my mother always says: "I want, never gets" so i have to really stop wanting that and start doing that....

I have been doing a lot of thinking and know that I need to go and see a doctor about getting back on ani depressants. The funny thing is I stopped taking them because I stopped loosing weight, and stopped going to the gym, and stopped playing the cello! But since I stoped taking them, I haven't gotten back into any of that.

I hate the fact that I have to resort to medication, but then I turn around and adise my 17 year old niece, hat if the doctor wants her on medication for depression, then she has nothing to be ashamed of and that it for her best interests. Like so many people, I give great advise, I just can't take it!

Self portrait at a sad moment in time

I actually have a few photos like this on my phone. I have this urge to do self portraits when I am really down, I have no idea why. I sometimes think it is to prolong the pain, cause myself more pain, or remind myself that what I was feeling did happen? It is the only time I don't have to force myself in front of a camera, but they are also photos that I go out of my way to look at.

Okay, enough rambling for now, sorry for the down post, I just wanted to get this off my chest.


  1. It is always easier to give advice than it is to take it. I also tell people not to be ashamed of taking meds... but I hated taking them myself.

    Sounds like you know that maybe it is a good time to get back on them. Recognizing that is a huge thing.

    I hope you feel better soon. Less blah, and more you.

  2. I hear ya...I hate needing the meds but never judge anyone or think less of anyone else for taking them. Sigh. Feel better soon.

  3. Get to your doc pronto. There's no reason to go on like this...not when there are meds, therapists and friends out there to lean on. Everything seems down and out because in your mind, it is. Yes...exercise can make us feel better but if you feel so low that you can't bring yourself to do it then it's not going to help much, is it? ((HUGS))

  4. Isn't that the thing? We stop doing something because it inhibits something else, but then when we stop, we don't do the something else? I know all about that. You know what you need to do and you know that we all support you. Make a plan and take one step at a time!

  5. I found you by accident but I am glad that I did. I'm sorry you are so down. I used to draw me as a cartoon being sad all the time but it only made me more depressed. Then one day ten years ago I decided that I want to be happy and poof, I made myself happy. Just like that. I don't always feel happy but it beats depression. But I have also been taking anti anxiety meds for years and years and years. And I'm fine with that as I do not like the alternative.

  6. I am catching up on reading, so sorry for the late comment. I am so sorry you are feeling down. I agree with others though that you should get to the doctor as soon as possible, if you haven't already. Depression is nothing to mess with. I hope things turn around for you soon, and please know there are lots of us out here rooting for you!