This is me just working through some issues I am discovering are the causes behind me not getting to be where I want to be at the moment.....
This is how the last five days have gone. I haven't bothered with calories and protein, partly because I wanted to keep it real simple and another part of me really didn't want to know.
There really is no consistancy in my eating. Some days I start off great, but don't eat enough so get really hungry and crap out in the afternoon. Other days I start the crap eariler and it sometimes gets a little better.
The thing that gets me wondering about me and my mind is that the movement on the scale really didn't affect my motivation to stay on track. In fact I think I went off track more when the scale went down!
It is like I'm thinking that because I didn't do a heap of exercise and wasn't on the healthy food track 110% I some how don't deserve the weight to go down. And there is also another part that is scared of me actually suceeding in lossing weight.
I can never remember a time when I have tracked my weight were I weighted less than 100 kilos / 220 pounds. When I was in year 5 everyone had to weigh themselves for an averaging experiment or that bell's curve thing with scoring. I weighed in at 60kg / 132lb (heaviest in the class). I was so embarassed about it that I didn't weigh myself again until I was 25. The scale said 125kg / 275lb and the only reason I know this was because that was while the doctor was trying to work out what was wrong with me when I first got gallstones and she noticed from my last visit the wek before that I had lost weight just by looking at me.
Since then I have been a bit of a scale freak. And the way it affects me is different every day.
I can get the same result on the scale two days in a row (for example - loose half a pound each day)
~The first day I might be excited about it - it's working, what ever I'm doing is working.
~The second day I may be disheartened by it - but I ate a chocolate covered strawberry, something must be wrong with me as I am not consistant and the scale always varies.
The same thoughts can occur when the scale also shows a gain.
~day one it's - of course I gained, I ate badly, just pull your self up and be better today, you can do this.
~day two it could be - why can't I ever loose weight. I am so pathetic. I ate a piece of fruit, why haven't I lost 20 kilos already!
The fact that the body flucuates regularly, doesn't enter the thought process. The fact that I have lost 40 kilos over a long period of time doesn't matter (so it should be easier to keep it off - they do say slower is better). Nothing changes the fact that I am not at my goal and so I might as well give up.
Only I DON'T WANT to give up!
Every time in the last twelve years when I have tried to loose weight, as soon as I get anywhere near the 100 kg mark, all the fight leaves and I go back to bad habits and the weight piled back on.
That's the real stumbling block behind my two year plateau that I am dealing with. I saw that I was possibly going to get to goal, get under the 100kg mark and keep loosing weight and the brain just froze.
If I didn't know better, I would think I had suffered some traumatic event as a kid that was around my weight, but unless it is buried really deep, I don't see it! I have more traumatic memories about my glasses than I do about weight!
~I was ten, had just starting wearing them and some moron yells out four-eyes as he drove by - yes I still have issues about that but I still wear glasses.
The weight thing bugs me more than anything else. Pisses me off that I sabotage myself so much.
Just not to the point where I actually do something to get past that mark!
Now this is not a post where I exclaim that I will be doing everything 110% right from this second on.
This is a post that is there for me to say, I am aware of it and I am working on it!
This is what I need to work on.
Too often I expect prefection from myself. I have never been perfect at anything. Who has?
Why do any of us expect perfection from our weightloss journey? Because we had a band? I am always saying that the band is not a cure for fatness, it's a tool to help me loose weight.
We all tell people that.
But deep down, I think I wanted to believe that it was a cure, and have been dealing with the disappointment that it isn't.....
So I am working on it still and will continue to work on the progress of getting to goal. Because if I keep working on it, I just know I'll get there eventually.
(And if you made it this far - thanks so much for reading my long thought of the night)