Places to go; Things to see

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Not me this time..

Thanks for your comments and support, it really means a lot. I will be going to the doctors. It has just been put on hold for a little while, because all of a sudden my neice is up for a visit and we really don't know what is going on with her.

She suffers from depression (it obviously runs in the family) and basically had a real bad day and so flew from Sydney to Brisbane to get away from it for a bit. The only problem is she only has a few months left before she finishes school. I honestly don't know what she will do with that. I know I need to incourage her to finish shool, but at the moment she is not trying or putting any effort, so a bit of me wonders if she would be better off getting to a better place, working through her issues and then re-do her last year of school through TAFE.

The biggest problem is the doctors are still trying to get her meication at the right level, so sometimes it works great, but with her own hormonal changes, it just doesn't work for some of the time.

Update: after getting home and discussing it with her she will be going back to Sydney. She just told me she only has about 13 more school days before her exams, so she will be going back and will need to finish. The few months is because there is then a break before her final exams and they go on for about four weeks, she has a two week break in the middle of them too. I think hearing it like that brout home how close she really is, so she will be heading back on Friday....

The silver lining of this is that while I am worrying about her, my mood isn't so bad. Thinking of others before me, I guess.

But I will be at the doctors next week. I know what I need to do for myself!

Now I'm off to bed. It's been a long day and I am tired. Thanks again :o)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

A ramble about my depression...

So the waterchallenge is a bit on and off...

Last week there where a few days affected by holidays for the local show, that with 'fun' days at work for the show, meant that the water mark was not met on three of the days.

I have been a little bit down lately and I have to blame an awards ceremony for work that I went to on Friday for it.

It was to celebrate last quarters productivity where the high proformers get awards and recognised for all there hard work.

I'm not included, for the simple reason that they can't work out how to measure my KPI's (key productivity indicators) because I'm a department of one! And I have recently worked out the my "productivity" has increased 250% so far his calendar year as they have reduced the role from two full timers to me! So basically they just gave an award to someone how increased their productivity by 5 or 10 percent in a quarter - they got an award, a pat on the back and a gift certificate. I have more than doubled my workload, and am not even acknowledged.

So yeah, work life is not really the best. I have lost all enthusism for it, (& I hate how this app that I use for blogging, doesnt have spell check because I know I have spelt that wrong).

In other fun filled news {insert sarcasim here} my weight is not changing.

I kow my mind is not in the right frame, but to be honest I am sick of that excuse! I want my brain rewired, so that stress and problems don't lead me to food.

But as my mother always says: "I want, never gets" so i have to really stop wanting that and start doing that....

I have been doing a lot of thinking and know that I need to go and see a doctor about getting back on ani depressants. The funny thing is I stopped taking them because I stopped loosing weight, and stopped going to the gym, and stopped playing the cello! But since I stoped taking them, I haven't gotten back into any of that.

I hate the fact that I have to resort to medication, but then I turn around and adise my 17 year old niece, hat if the doctor wants her on medication for depression, then she has nothing to be ashamed of and that it for her best interests. Like so many people, I give great advise, I just can't take it!

Self portrait at a sad moment in time

I actually have a few photos like this on my phone. I have this urge to do self portraits when I am really down, I have no idea why. I sometimes think it is to prolong the pain, cause myself more pain, or remind myself that what I was feeling did happen? It is the only time I don't have to force myself in front of a camera, but they are also photos that I go out of my way to look at.

Okay, enough rambling for now, sorry for the down post, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Weekend That Was :o)

The week end is over and I am almost off to bed.

Yesterday saw me off to a friends for a fun filled Tax Party - we all had our tax returns done and enjoyed a great lunch and company! I am even getting a bit of a tax refund, which is always a great deal with the tax man :o)

Today I enjoyed a long walk this morning, we are getting faster and fitter on these walks :o)

I then went to a lunch at the coffee club for the monthly Brisbane WLS meet up(it used to be Lapband, but a few have made the switch to bypass or sleeve and so we cover everyone now :p

Once again I look around the table and can't help notice the differences in our journey's. Most have had the WLS for a few goodyears andthey have previously reach (or got close to it) and then have gained most of their weight back,and are now struggling to get back on track. Then there was one lady that is farely new to the group, she has reached goal, kept it off and has even had a body lift! And while I like all the women there, I can't help but be drawn to the one that has been sucessful!

And I notice the difference in the attitudes, even though it is a once a month meet up, most of the womengo for the calorie packed meals for lunch as it is a "treat" meal, where she sticks to the low calorie options that she always has. That simple act highlights a lot of my issues, if I look at every outing as a special "treat" meal (which I do) then that is a lot of "treat" meals in a week. Because when I look at my days, lunch at work is concidered an "outing"

Isn't it amazing what you can realize in a moment! Something that should have been obvious, but seemed to hide in plain sight, for the simple reason, that I did not want to see it.

Moving on to Monday and with this new insight, it seems like it is all falling a little be better into place. Because this morning my walking buddy and I decided we are also going to support each other at work with lunches! We will be bring food in to work to make salads and healthy lunches at work to share! I guess I really am starting to take control of my journey! And the added bonus of someone else relying on me remembering to bring in the stuff from home should be more than enough to overcome my usual forgetfulness with food from home, cause I can't disappoint someone else!

Oh yeah, and the challenge this week will be WATER!!! Minimum of 2 litres a day :o) that is the best start I can do for myself I think.

Now, it's off to bed for me, here is hooing the plan goes ahead well and the week is as strong as the prospect of it (if that makes any sense :p)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Friday Filler

Yes I am at a loss for a title :o)

Good news is my stomach has settled down, nothing to worry about (as usual) and even the tenderness has gone.

And it is Friday with no work sceduled for the weekend! So today is looking great.

Now I dont have my lunch made, but that is okay, I will pick something up. Friday's are casual at work, no uniform & my team leader brings us all a small chocolate, and most Friday's, we even do a coffee run to a place that gives you a free donut! So I am thinking I am going to need to pick up a healthy snack prior to getting to the office, and make sure I drink my morning coffee slowly, that way I will be able to turn down the chocolate, and will not need another coffee (or the donut) at coffee run time :o)

I'm trying to think of simple stuff I can have at work for satisfying and warm lunches (we have reached the windy time of winter here in Brisbane) everything I think of either needs too much prep or involves me buying from a cafe everyday, and that is niether cheap or satisfying.

The biggest problem I have on deciding what to prepare is all you American's! You seem to have such a great variety of diet foods over there. None of which are available here in Aus. And there is rarely a substitute either. So all these great ideas that I find, I can't use properly. Or have five times the amount of calories and a third of the protein :o) I guess I will have to stay with the simple staples like left overs brought from home, while tasty and economical, I tend to forget them more often than not :p

Alright, I think I have filled in enoughh of your time :o) Have a great weekend!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Hypochondria

hy·po·chon·dri·ac   [hahy-puh-kon-dree-ak]

a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria,  an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed at the hypochondriac demographic.

b. produced by hypochondria: Hypochondriac feelings overwhelmed her.

I sometime wonder if I suffer from this, the smallest thing and I worry. A mole gets a little bigger and I think it has to be skin cancer, have it checked and its just a normal mole. Felt a lump in my breast once, had a whole heap of tests done and turns out it was just the hormonal changes of my body when I get my period.

These things where I have gone to the doctor only to be told that its nothing have me worried that I worry too much!

Where am I going with this?

Well last night I was scrunched over cutting my toenails and when I sat back up, it felt like my stomach got tangled up and was really sore and took a little while for me to be able to straighten up completely. Felt a little wierd as I went to bed, and all day today it has felt tender. I should add that I was wearing a constricting, hold you in camisole. I don't know what I did, but if it doesn't settle down in a day or so, I will have it checked out.

But I of course immediately think my band has slipped, even though there are no other symptoms to support this theory.

I sometimes think I look for things that are wrong with the band so that I can prove it isn't me that is failing!

Sad that....

Yet another thing that needs working on :o) but for now I think I will go work on a photo chllenge for my self. Jen had a great idea of having it based on band related topics, like food I have prepared and other such things..... The brain is ticking, I'll let you know what I come up with :o) Night all!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Struggle

It seems to be a common theme on quite a few blogs lately. I ahve been trying to read as mainly blogs as possible as it has been a while, and it really di supprise me that the are so many of us struggling at the moment. And to be honest most of is hat are struggling are ones that have been banded for a while.

Suprising! But it has helped me, and so I hope my return has maybe helped someone else. Because it has really been encouraging to see that I am not alone! And hopefully with so many of us returning to blogging and returning to focusing on our journey, we may be able to encourage each other to keep on track and get past this hurdle that has stopped us in our tracks.

Besides eating and exercising, one of the main things I need to do is keep blogging, that can be hard when you've been at this journey for a few years and not yet reached goal. How do you inspire others, let alone yourself with your blog roll, when you can't stay focused on doing what is needed to be sucessful with the band?

At first I was thinking a weight loss challenge, but that thought quickly passed, because wave weight loss challenge in front of me and I gain three pounds :p Something about them just sends me off the deep end.

So I am toying with a non weight related challenge, something to keep me motivated and inspired to stay blogging. I have always loved photography and wondering if that could be something I could do as a self challenge to end blog posts for a while. I am even thinking that to start with, just a seven day challenge. One full week

To be honest I want to try anything to stay focused. It feels like I am finally geeting back to me at the moment, and I don't want to loose that. I have been very depressed the last few months and getting out of that rut has been a struggle.

One of the best things I have done is start reading your blogs again. I think if I had kept reading, I don't think I would have been so depressed for so long. Keeping in touch with this community is the best thing I can do for me :o) So thanks for reading!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Remembering

The day I got my band was the best day of my life! I felt on top of the world! I just knew that i would get to my goal and nothing would stop me. 

Two and a half years later, that enthurism has gone. I truely don't believe that anymore! Why? I have no idea! All I know is that I haven't felt sure about reaching goal for about two years now,and in that two years I have not lost a lot of weight in comparison to that first six months.

At six months into being banded, I was here!

I mean since then I have lost another 12 kilos, but it has been a very slow process and a lot of the time it has been very up and down.

Why?

I can tell you that - my diet is crap! 
My headspace is in dire need of being adjusted!
I need to move my ass more than once a week!

How do I fix this?

That is the question, isn't it? 

First off, I have been back reading through my blog. It is actually quite fun. It's like reading the blog of an optimistic stranger at the moment, because I really do not recognize me from those posts any more. Sad as that is! 

I have to clean up my eating. The chips and chocolate and crap have to stop. I read back through posts where I was recording what I as eating and it sounds so tasty! I used to go weeks without buying my lunch. Packed lunches are the way to success. More protein. I read one week were I had a roast pumpkin salad three days in a row with different types of protein added to it every day. I haven't had that salad since, but I still remember it! How sad it that. 

I also have to get my water intake back up to the two liter mark every day. I can't remember the last time I actually drank that much and that was something I was always so good at too. Even before being banded.

Exercise is a must. I need to start from scratch on this, slow and steady and just do it. No ifs buts or maybes about it.

And lastly; I need to blog. The time I was successful was when I was reading and posting on a regular base. I miss it so much. I miss me!

I am off to a good start, tonight after work I went to the gym. Got there, realised I forgot my purse which has my membership card in, so had to go back home to pick that up and actually went back to the gym. Then after that came home and made diner (spaghetti & meatballs) only got half way though that as I did have a stuck episoide. Need to lay off the pasta, that is what I get stuck on, and it is not the first time, so it shows I aint listening to me still!

I have even made lunch for tomorrow. It is just a simple tuna salad,that I will have with rice cakes and tomato and maybe some cheese. But it is a start. And that is what I am trying to do!

Night all :o)